Is it a lie?
by Avonlea Dale
Summary: Things change for Benson when Porter comes back to town!


**Disclaimer: These characters are not mine. I do not own anything about them. This was just a story written from the encouragement of two friends (thanks Dee & Cas) I had fun altering the characters lives and changing it up a bit!**

AT THE 16TH PRECINCT

Olivia and Nick just walk in from a meeting with Barba. "Does he always have to talk to me like that?" Nick asked as he slams files down on his desk. "Nick?..He is just doing his job" Liv replied while placing her hand upon his shoulder and gently rocking it. "Don't take it to heart" and she smiled.

Just as she was about to sit down at her desk, she looked up as Dean Porter walked through the door. "Hello, Olivia" he said with a smile as he walked towards her. "What in the HELL are you doing here, Porter?" she asked as her attitude quickly changed. "Come on, Liv...it's been four years. Still holding a grudge over how that case ended between me, you and Stabler?" he questioned as he began to sit on the corner of her desk. "A grudge, really? I should ask you how much you paid for your 'get out of jail free' card!" Nick, who is already pissed about Barba, walks over to Fin and bluntly asks, "Who the hell is the suit and why is he here with Liv?" Fin looks over at Porter and gives him a head nod and said, "Ah, chill Nick. That's just FBI Agent Dean Porter. Liv worked undercover for him a while back. Nothin' to worry about brah." Back at Olivia's desk Dean tries to make amends with her. "Come on, Liv...it's water under the bridge now. I actually made a special trip here just to congratulate you on making Sergeant! (She sat back and looked up at him) I always knew you had it in you to do great things!" Her attitude started to change and she wasn't on edge as much then. She leaned forward and put her elbows on the desk, propping her head up. She looked at him, smirked, gave a long blink and replied, "thank you." Dean thought he was then in her good graces so he leaned in and said, "you know, I seem to remember a moment we had at your place and I can't help myself but to recall your mention of a 'raincheck'" Before she could respond he looks over at Nick and turns to her to ask, "and who's the stiff eye balling me?" That got her to laugh a bit louder than she wanted to. "We got a problem here? What's so funny" asked Nick. Before either could answer he grabbed his jacket and left the squad room. "He's just a tad on edge right now. Has a lot going on here as well as in his personal life." replied Liv. "Well, anyway...how about it?" Dean asked. Lost for a moment, Liv asked, "I'm sorry, about what?...oh, forget it. (she chuckles) I know" "AND..." he impatiently asked while rolling his hand as if to coax the words out of her. "Keep in mind that I saved your life, as you very well stated...and all the while looking ferociously attractive." She raised an eyebrow and tilted her head back. "Really? Ferociously?" she playfully replied. "I suppose we could meet for dinner tonight, catch up. A lot has happened in my life lately. I could definitely use a friend." she said. Dean stands up, claps his hands together and said, "It's settled then! Pick you up at 7?". He gave her a wink and a smile and walk out into the hallway. She then realized that he didn't know that she had moved. She hurriedly pushed herself away from her desk and took off running to catch up to him. "DEAN...WAIT!" she yelled. He stopped and she handed him a piece of paper. "What's this?" he asked. "It's my new address. I moved. It's a long story and I can fill you in later. See you tonight." Liv said as she started backing away before turning to go back to the squad room. Back at her desk and getting situated she hears,"Liv! I need you in my office". It was Cragen. She looked over at Rollins puzzled...got up and slowly walked into her Captain's office. Cragen shuts the door. "Captain, what is it?" she asks. "Liv, while you were out, this certified letter was delivered and left in my possession until you got back. I think you may want to sit down." She walks over and takes a seat. Her first thought was that they aren't sure if they want her promoted to Sergeant. Cragen goes to his desk, opens the drawer and pulls out the envelope and pauses to stare at it a moment with an unsettling look on his face. She sees his reaction and with hesitation asks, "Captain, please...what is it?" Cragen hands her the envelope and she looks to see where it came from. Now filling with anxiety flowing throughout her body she tries to open the envelope but her hands are shaking so quickly that it falls to the floor. Cragen reaches down, picks it up and went to hand it to her when she sat back, put her hands up and said, "No, I can't...you open it". He tore the end off and slid the letter out. "Liv, they set the trial date. You will be facing Lewis in January." he said. Tears begin to pour down her face. She leaned forward and grabbed her stomach, practically face down against her knees. Cragen bent down to look at her and grabbed her hand saying, "WE will get you through this! WE will stand by you 100%! WE LOVE AND BELIEVE IN YOU!" He got the words out despite the lump in his throat. She hugged him tightly. "I've got to get out of here. I need to see Dr. Lindstrom". "Take the rest of the day, Liv!" She walked out while wiping her eyes, grabbed her things and left. "Captain, is she ok?" asked Rollins. He put his hands in his pockets, shook his head with a sigh and said "She will be..."

AT THE OFFICE OF DR. LINDSTROM

"Olivia, you sounded shaken up on the phone...what's going on" Dr asked, "Still trying to move forward since your break up with Cassidy?" She just sat there almost dazed while nervously playing with her necklace. "I...my life...it's just all over the place right now" she said. "I went from being ok, to being a victim, to being in a relationship, to being single again...This emotional wreckage is what I'm left to deal with!" She began to cry. He hands her tissues. "Olivia, I wish you could see yourself from my point of view" he said, "You have no idea JUST how strong you are, how much pride you've carried or the amount of bravery it took to fight to save yourself!" She shook her head, wiped her eyes and shrugged her shoulders. "You know, today I was notified of the trial date. I am very well aware about the fact that it was the next legal step BUT I still managed to block it out and I don't know why...This is what I deal with day to day at work...HOW COULD I BE CAUGHT OFF GUARD!" Dr. Lindstrom sat back, crossed his legs and said,"This is all normal, Liv. What you are feeling...You've been through something traumatic. OF COURSE your mind would keep you from thinking about it." She just looked at him, trying to pull herself together.

"And Brian" she said.

"What about him?" he asked.

"He was there AFTER.."

"Yes, I know he was. What about that?

"He was a comfort. I didn't want to be alone. I knew he cared for me, as I for him but there was a big piece missing and for a good while I had thought it was because of me Because of everything I had dealt with. He would hold me, kiss me but never touch me. And that is something that I feel I've been longing for to help me, personally, get past what I went through with Lewis." Olivia said sobbing and could barely get the words out."I need to feel loved, and wanted, and I don't mean to sound selfish or conceded but I need to feel beautiful and I haven't felt that entirely. I need that...even on an intimacy level..I need that"

"Liv, you were settling because at the time, Brian gave you what you needed THEN. The caring, being there, holding you. And that's fine but you need to let go of that and live"

"Live" she said laughing uneasy."I'm trying..I take 2 steps forward yet 1 and a half steps back. I am meeting up with a colleague for dinner. He swung by the precinct today to congratulate me on the promotion and asked about dinner. I don't know if I should go now. I'm a mess."

"Go, you need to! You need to do whatever it takes to keep pushing forward. If things go well and you choose to let go of yourself, then so be it. Sometimes it's good to look for a soft place to fall." he said.

She felt comfort in his words and was able to give a real smile. She got up and started walking to the door just as Dr Lindstrom said, "You've got to let go and let Liv LIVE! She paused and nodded and left feeling better then she had when she arrived.

AT BENSON'S APARTMENT

Liv had just gotten home from seeing her therapist and dropped her keys, purse and coat on the floor upon entering her apartment. She made a beeline for the shower and was undressing along the way. The warmth of the water was actually a comfort to her after the day she had so far. She couldn't help but talk to herself out loud. "What am I doing? Should I cancel dinner plans? We did have a small moment back then but...UGH, why am I driving myself insane!" and then she thought about what Dr. Lindstrom told her..."3 words that I need to keep telling myself...Let Liv Live!" She laughed over the fact that she was talking to herself in the shower. She began washing her hair and humming along to "Breathe (2 AM) by Anna Nalick as it played on her shower radio. The chorus hit home to her. "Just breathe" she told herself. She finished washing her body, shaved her legs and stepped out to dry off. She pulled her hair up in a towel, put on matching black bra and panties that were trimmed in pink with a tiny rhinestone in the center and slipped on her powder blue satin robe. She moved to her bedroom and sat down in front of her vanity mirror and began to put on her makeup. She started feeling anxious and a bit overwhelmed. She needed fresh air, and fast! Olivia ran to the window and threw it open letting the crisp November air pierce her lungs. After a few deep breaths she felt better until she looked down at the street below and saw a black limousine pulling up in front of her building. Out stepped Dean with an arm full of white roses and champagne. "OH MY GOD...WHAT TIME IS IT?!" She yelled so loudly that he was briefly able to hear her above the roar of passing traffic. She quickly darted back to the mirror, knocking her tiny black dress off of the back of her closet door. She turned back to see it lying in a ball on the floor and started to tear up. Just then a knock! She walked through her apartment to the door and Dean was quite shocked to see her standing there, wet hair, robe, mascara running...

"What happened, are you ok?" he asked

"No, no I'm not...far from it. This was a mistake, I'm sorry" she sobbed.

"Hey, it's ok. Just calm down. And if I know one thing, it's that this is no way a mistake".

"Porter, I'm sorry for ruining your evening. I saw the limo, the flowers and champagne...it's all incredibly touching but I can't go out now"

"Who said we HAD to go anywhere Benson? And we aren't at work. No last names! (he laughed) I'll be right back." he said and left her apartment. She moved to the couch and just began crying her eyes out. He was back within minutes and he let himself in.

"Ok, we're good." he said

"Where did you go" she asked.

"I had to let the limo driver aware that I won't be needing his service any longer. I can catch a cab later. Oh, and I had to cancel our reservations at Marea."

"Is that the..."

"The fancy Italian place"

"By Central Park?"

"Yes, but it's totally fine Liv. We can order Chinese takeout or something"

He moved over to her and sat with her on the couch. He lifted his hand up to wipe away the smeared makeup and tears from her eyes. "Liv, please...what's going on" he patiently asked.

"I don't know where to begin." she said.

"I'll tell you what, why don't you go in put some comfy clothes on and I'll call and order us some food. And in the meantime we can work on lifting your spirits" he said. "Sound like a plan?"

She nodded and went into her bedroom to change. Dean ordered takeout and patiently waited for Liv to come back to the couch. He felt terrible that she was so heartbroken. He had hoped he could be of some help/assurance once he found out what was going on. She threw on some sweats and twisted her hair up on top of her head. It was still damp but at this point, who the hell cared! She went into the bathroom and washed her face in the sink. Feeling so down that she cried between rinses. She grabbed a towel and start to pat her face dry but then just held the towel so tightly against her face that she was practically smothering herself. She bit the towel over anger and began screaming into it. Dean couldn't hear her cries, they were muted by Egyptian cotton. Thirty minutes had passed and Dean was starting to worry. He wanted to give her some space at first but he got up and tapped lightly on the bathroom door. "Hey, Liv...everything ok in there?" he asked

She didn't respond so he touched the doorknob, which wasn't locked, and opened it. There she was, curled up in the corner with her head down against her arms. "Liv?" he cried.

"Please, just go Dean"

"If you think that I'm leaving you like this then you're out of your damn mind!" He bent down and pulled her up off of the floor. She kept looking down. He took his finger and pulled her chin up.

"Just breathe, Liv" That triggered something in her. Almost as if it were a sign that he said that to her.

He took her hand and guided her back to the couch. He poured her a glass of champagne and handed it to her. "This may calm the nerves a little" he said

"Whew, let's hope so!" she said.

There was a knock at the door. "Don't get up, I got it" Dean said. It was the food delivery. He paid the man, shut the door and walked to the kitchen to put the bags down and prep their plates. He asked which cabinets had the plates and Liv pointed above his head. He went to grab a bowl for her soup and noticed a coffee mug behind it that had 'Brian' engraved on it. He pulled it out. "What's this?" as he held it up.

"He must've forgotten that when he moved out"

"Moved out?"

"Yeah, I'll explain when you come back in here"

"Okay" and he finished up and carried her food over to her. "Here ya go, babe" he jokingly said as he bowed to her. She let out a laugh. He liked it. He felt as if he was cheering her up some what.

They began eating and both were very quiet for the first few minutes. He sat his plate down to take a break and leaned back to give her his full attention. "So" he said..."Let's have it Liv. Let it out and let go"

She dropped her fork at the 'let go' because it's exactly what her therapist had said a few hours earlier. She turned to him, sat her plate down on the table and pulled her legs up underneath on the couch.

"Dean, do you know what happened to me over this past summer?"

"No,...happened to you? Wha..wait...what happened to you?"

"I was kidnapped and..."

"YOU WERE WHAT!"

"Yes, I was... gun point, drugged, he poured alcohol down my throat, beat, burned, tortured me for days. His full plan was to rape and then kill me but..."

"But you got away"

"But I got away" tears just dropped out if her eyes as she began to go into fine detail of what she remembered. He turned his head into his elbow pretending to cough but he really was wiping his eyes on his sleeve. He didn't want her to see that.

"How are you handling such a brutal experience? HOW are you ok!?"

"I've asked that question myself a million times over" she said, "And I thought I was ok enough, strong enough, especially doing what I do, to land on my feet...but...it's definitely harder than I had ever imagined"

"Did he rape you Liv?

She just glared at him like a deer caught in headlights. "Well,...I..uh, (clears throat) I don't know for sure exactly..You see, um...I was tortured all over when I was in and out of consciousness. I hurt all over."

"And now?"

"Now I go see Dr Lindstrom every week. I deal with things as best I can. Things were ok for a while when Brian was here. I wasn't afraid at night"

"Brian?"

"Yes, Brian Cassidy. We got together a few weeks prior to everything. He was there for me after and I jumped to move since it all started at my apartment. So we lived together for a while but it wasn't what I had expected it to be."

"What do you mean, Liv. In what way?"

"Well, he really did care for me but something was missing. Something I yearned for...something I needed."

"if things were so great then why didn't it work" he asked

"Because in his eyes I was broken glass that had been carefully glued back together and the pieces fit perfectly but it's still full of a bunch of cracks. One wrong move and it shatters" she said, "I needed to feel something other than being victimized. I needed love on a very personal and intimate level. I needed to feel like I was attractive and wanted. It may seen selfish in your eyes but from where I stand and how I have felt for so long...it's not selfish."

"I'm very sorry Liv. My heart truly breaks for you. I wish I could take away all of the hurt, the painful memories, the (and she pulled her shirt down a little to show him) scars." He couldn't help it then. He began to get teary eyed. He grabbed his glass and tossed back the champagne and poured another round for the two of them.

She sat there sipping from her glass as he got up and went over to her stereo system. He hooked his cell phone up to it and set it to one of his favorite playlists. He went over grabbed her hands and took her out to the middle of the room. Then, the music started. "These are the days" by Van Morrison. He pulled her close, both still misty eyed, and he began to rock her. It wasn't dancing really...He just held her and let her know that she could rely on him. He wouldn't let her fall. She looked up at him and smiled. "This song is beautiful" she said.

"It's one of my favorites actually" he replied. She put her head against his chest and closed her eyes. At that moment she felt at peace...even if it only lasted a few minutes...it had been the first time in months that she was able to be completely calm both inside and out. The next song came on "This year's love" by David Gray. As soon as it began he looked down at her and began lip syncing the lyrics to her

"This years love had better last..Heaven knows it's high time...And I've been waiting on my own too long...But when you hold me like you do...It feels so right...I start to forget...How my heart gets torn...When that hurt gets thrown...Feeling like you can't go on"...

As he held her tight and swayed her back and forth. She stopped!

"What is it, What's wrong?" he asked.

She stepped back to look at him a moment while hearing the song. She stepped towards him touching his face with her right hand. He watched her closely the entire time. He wanted to kiss her badly and started to lean it and stopped. He didn't want to rush her into anything. He didn't have to, she grabbed his face and pulled him in kissing him with such passion that he didn't want it to stop. She pulled away blushing and apologized. "Please Liv, don't apologize. If you only knew what you do to me, how you make me feel, or how remarkably gorgeous you are." he exclaimed. "You never have to feel ashamed around me...ever!"

"You just did something to me, I couldn't resist. It's almost as if a pilot light was finally lit and the heat was ready to be turned on" she said.

"I'm not here because I felt sorry for you. I didn't know any of that until tonight. Just so you're aware, I'm here because I wanted to be. I'm here because I've longed for you for many years. After sharing what time we did together years ago, no other woman even begins to compare to you." he couldn't help but tell her the truth about how he felt. She pulled him close again. Kissing him long and hard leaving him practically breathless only to leave her lips to come up for air. He reached up and let her hair down so he could run his fingers through it. She smelled like sweet bay magnolias and it captivated him. He left her mouth and started kissing her neck only to pause a moment to ask, "Are you OK with this? I don't want to push you in any way nor would I want to see you have any doubts or regrets." She began to loosen his tie and slipped it off over his head. "You make me feel at ease. You've made me feel at home, which is something I haven't felt in a long time. But most importantly, you make me feel desired. I'm very ok with this!" She kissed him again and traced the outline of his lips with her tongue. It was driving him insane. He tried to keep his cool and not rush to the excitement. He was having difficulty controlling his urges. It was like wanting a grand finale but setting off one firecracker. "We're not ready to stand at attention yet" he thought to himself. Olivia began unbuttoning his cornflower dress shirt. She pulled it off of him and tossed it on the floor. He was toned and firm and she just wanted to lay her hands all over him. He never left eye contact as he slowly began to unzip her Love Pink hoodie. He told her how adorable she had looked in it. The zipper stopped at the end and he gently removed it. There she stood in her black bra and sweatpants looking too cute for words he thought. She quickly pulled her arms up to her chest. "What's the matter?" he asked.

"It's my...nothing...don't look at me"

"Your what?" and he pulled her arms slowly down.

"My scars" she said "I'm hideous"

"You are far from hideous! You're perfect and scars heal in time" and he moved closer to her, placing his hand over each of them and then gently kissed them. Her body began to quiver. She was getting so aroused and it floored her because it had been so long. She felt almost giddy like a teenager before her first sexual encounter. In the back of her mind she heard it again, "Let go and let Liv Live!" She grabbed hold of his belt and, with a fast jerk, flung it off. His black dress slacks, that had that perfect iron crease, now lay scrunched up in a ball near the corner of the room. He grabbed her waist and got down on his knees to slowly pull her sweats down and with ease removed each leg and kicked them over near where his pants were laying. Hands still on her waist he looked up at her and knew she felt uncomfortable with how her body now looked. He was eye level with her thighs. While she stood there, he made sure to kiss every from her feet to her stomach. He filled with rage and wanted to kill that son of a bitch! But he wasn't going to let her see how upset he was for her. She didn't want to feel like a victim. He wanted to make her loosen up and laugh so he stood there like Superman and posed in his tight navy blue briefs. She cracked up over his antics. He began to laugh as well. The air was calm again and she had relaxed again. She grabbed his hand and began to pull him along with her towards a day bed that was up against the wall near her closet. She sat down and slid back on it and motioned for him to come and lay with her. He stretched out next to her and began kissing her again. She began to suck on his lip at times. He ran his hands down behind her back and in an instant her bra was removed. While kissing her, he began to rub her breasts. Her nipple hardened in seconds. She was feeling things she hadn't felt in such a long time. She was loving every minute of it. He ran his hands down over her stomach and then gently down between her legs. She felt like a ripened summer peach ready to gush forth. Whispers began to feed the fire when she leaned in to his ear and said,"I'm so hot...I'm so wet" Her heart was pounding in her chest and the anticipation was driving her insane. He moved to kiss her neck and then he was at her breast. Making sure to give each of them the same amount of attention. He put his hot, wet mouth around them as if they were ice cream cones. Gently sucking and swirling his tongue around her nipples. She had closed her eyes. It was feeling so good. He moved more on top of her. She reached into his briefs and took him in her hands. He was rock hard and saluting her. She began to rub him. He let out a moan and she took his hand and placed it on her. He swiftly removed her panties and slowly rubbed his way up to between her legs. She wanted to feel him. Liv put her hand on his and began to move it in a circular motion and then pushed his fingers inside of her letting him know it was ok. He loved seeing her so turned on and he pulled away almost teasing her. Her body wanted more. She was throbbing and needed more. He stood up to look at her and was grinning from ear to ear. She then got up and literally tore his briefs off. He said' "Liv, you're an animal"

"Do you wanna try something else on and maybe slip into something a little more comfortable?" she asked.

He laughed asking "Like what, I'm naked"

"Like me" she said. That unleashed something in him. He picked her up, legs wrapped around his waist, he pinned her up against the open closet door. "Make love to me Dean." He pushed himself inside of her. She gasp at first. His thrusts were long and slow at first. Making sure she was ok with how things felt. The door kept banging into the wall so he reached in the closet and shoved the clothes to one end. They were in the closet now, her back against the wall and his thrusts began to get faster and harder. She reached above her head to hold onto the clothes bar for more support. His hair became wet from sweat. His lips tasted salty from the intense workout they were getting. She grabbed his neck and started to scream and moan, "uh,uhh..uhhh...porter..port..UHHH..POR.. And he pulled out. "WHAT, WHY...?" she yelled and she tried to catch her breath. He smiled and said "Oh no, not just yet. All in good time, my dear" and he carried her over to the bed. He cradled her in his arms, both sticky with sweat, and he kissed her before laying her down. "You ok Liv?" he just wanted to check. "Dean, don't stop...keep it comin'...keep me comin'" she said without missing a beat. He climbed into bed and sat between her legs. He reached for her and pulled her up straddling him. She wrapped her legs and arms around him. He slowly pulled her down onto him and started pushing into her. Faster and faster and his moans were getting louder. She bit onto his ear and sighed, "Deeper" so he bent forward to lie her back without missing a stride. He pushed and pushed deeper. She clenched her muscles holding him inside. The pounding pressure made him want to explode but he knew it wasn't time. She loosened her muscles and released him. He kept pounding against her pelvis. They were dripping with sweat. She knew she was getting close to climax and started digging her nails into his back. He started moaning "Liv...uh Liv."

She started arching her back more and pushing her head back belting out,"Dean..ah..ahh..Dean...mmm.. .uuhhhhh" He grabbed the headboard as he trusted faster and faster.

"DEEAAAANNNN...UHHH...I, I..I'M.. (her head tilt, eyes roll back and body begins to jerk) OH EL" she screamed as loud as she could.

"Oh Liv, Liv...ugh LIV"..."wait, what? Did you say EL?"

Catching her breath and laying her hand over her heart that was ready to beat out of her chest, she responded, "Oh No! I said hell...you must not have heard me over your moans."

"How was it Liv"

" amazing. I haven't felt that in such a long time."

"Are you OK though"

"I'm actually better than fine! Thank you"

He laughed, "You're glowing...you're beautiful" and he leaned in again and lightly kissed her. He held her in his arms, stroking her hair until she had finally fallen asleep. He got up, covered her up, got dressed and turned her bedroom light off. He left a note on the back of the front door for her before departing for the night.

The next morning she awoke to the warmth of the sun shining upon her half naked body. She turned to see where he was and was almost relieved she didn't have to deal with any awkwardness after just waking up. She got a shower and got dressed and headed towards the door. She paused to read the note:

Liv

Thank you for such an over-the-top night. It was

something that I never expected on the way over! I

hope that it was just a good for you. I can't wait to

hear from you. See you tonight, maybe?

With Love,

Dean

P.S. Don't be the one that got away! ;)

It was a bittersweet feeling. She had an amazing time yet still felt a small empty void. She doesn't know what else it could be. She got upset and began to think that she was always going to feel that way. She grabbed her purse and left her place...only to arrive at Dr. Lindstrom's office.

AT DR. LINDSTROM'S OFFICE

"Well, Liv..what brings you here today? We don't have an appointment scheduled until next week." She sat down and said, "Well, I took your advice. I...let go last night"

"How does that make you feel?"

"Um, surprised, excited,..scared. It was everything that I felt at the time I needed and he gave it to me, fully"

"That's good! You look happier today actually. But why did you feel scared?"

"Because it was a lie"

"A lie..how so?"

"Because it's a lie in when the entire time you're pretending that the man you're with is really someone else...only to wake up feeling a void that you KNOW only HE can truly fill"


End file.
